August 5, 2010
Marriage
I read a great story about marriage today and thought I would repost here:
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed – dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.– At least, in the eyes of our son— I’m a loving husband….
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.
If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
A CHRIST-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME.
March 30, 2010
The Race Marked Out For Us
Hebrews 12:1-2 contains the verses “and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” Have you ever thought about what that means? God marked out a race for you.
What is this path God has chosen for us and why is it called a race? I can hear my husband saying “It’s a r-r-r-race,” rolling the r and is a quote from the movie “Rat Race” which is hilarious…but besides the point!
I believe sometimes in life if we don’t deliberately and quickly stay on and follow the path God has set for us, we can get too distracted. We see that “shiny object” offshoot that takes away from the path and we are off in another direction. These shiny objects can be people, relationships, a job, a hobby, an addiction, a ministry, or even fear.
It comforts me to know that God has a plan for my life, my race, my path. I have seen how I have let “shiny objects” get me off course. Too busy, too hurt, too depressed, too angry, or too happy, to stay the course.
I also love the fact that God gave us the free will to stay on the path or go down another road…sometimes those detours teach us things on how to “strip away everything that hinders.” But sometimes those roads include “the sin that so easily entangles.”
Have you ever spent time exploring what race God has for you to run? Have you even realized that there is one for your life? Do you know that He will use everything along your path to strengthen you to finish the race? Be it good or bad.
If we strip away everything that hinders, if we run with perseverance, and fix our eyes on Jesus…we will accomplish His will and plan for our lives.
Journal today…just focus on what “the race” is for you. What do you think God has been calling you to do that you have been ignoring? Or have not even thought about?
How would your life be different if you were on that path, running the race? What are your dreams and passions in life?
March 19, 2010
Gossip
Have you ever been hurt by someone and instead of telling them directly, told someone else? Have you ever been lied to and manipulated by someone and then tried to warn someone else who may get involved with them? Is talking about someone else or any situation always gossip? I admit I have been guilty of both of the previous scenarios…but if someone has ever come to me and said, “I heard you said this about me,” if I did, I have immediately owned it and made amends. Sometimes that has meant admitting how they hurt me and owning the fact that I could have come to them directly. My closest friends today are people who I have had to confront or have confronted me, and thankfully the “truth set us free”. In these situations, there won’t always be reconciliation, but hopefully, forgiveness. Sometimes what was said by another person is a miscommunication or distortion of the truth, or their perception of what was being said…just like the old “telephone” game! I have also had to be careful that by validating someone else’s feelings or perceptions that they then assumed I was agreeing with them or gossiping also.
I do not delight in talking about other people, or just want to “spread the news” so to speak, but I have gotten caught up in talking about how someone has hurt me. Most of the time I can go and tell them directly, but when they have lied to, or manipulated me, I guess I have thought,”what’s the point?” That is wrong. I could be wrong about their motives, or the reality of a situation. As the saying goes, “there are two sides to every story, and somewhere in the middle lies the truth.”
Proverbs 17:9
He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends
I think we all need close friends who we can process our “stuff” with and come to a resolution, pointing them toward repentance and forgiveness. If someone talks about a tough situation in a relationship, we can say, “Have you talked to that person directly?” Matthew 18 says If your brother sins against you,[a] go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’[b] 17If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
Deuteronomy 13:12-15 (How to handle gossip you hear)
If you hear it said about one of the towns the LORD your God is giving you to live in that wicked men have arisen among you and have led the people of their town astray, saying, “Let us go and worship other gods” (gods you have not known), then you must inquire, probe and investigate it thoroughly.
I know so many people who go straight to the church or just telling other people, when they haven’t ever told the person who hurt them. If someone tells you that someone else gossiped about you, what do you do? Do you go ask the person if they said it? Do you just believe the person who told you and never speak to the “gossiper” again? Is the person who spread the gossip at fault?
I can only share what I have experienced, and at times in my own journey I have made all the wrong choices. That is why working a 4th step is so valuable to look back and examine our own behavior…it doesn’t guarantee the other party will forgive you when you make amends, or ask forgiveness when you confront them with a hurt. But Jesus asks us to do our part, with a willing heart. I am sure that His goal is to heal relationships, as in Matthew when it says that “if he listens to you, you have won your brother over.”
But in our world of self protection, and “safe people,” I think we can easily dismiss that possibility, we deny our fear of confrontation by telling ourselves “that person is unsafe to talk to about it.” Obviously, if someone does not repent or show any remorse, then it is wise to have boundaries…but don’t use them as an excuse not to deal with a situation or mend a relationship.
March 15, 2010
Relationships
It bothers me when people I have any kind of conflict with refuse to face it and resolve it. I know it goes back to not being able to change others, but for some reason it really makes me sad when it is someone who I know has been in recovery, who I think has learned the value of honest confrontation and making amends, extending forgiveness, and communication. But when the rubber meets the road they run and hide. They refuse to tell you what you did wrong, you should just “know” and be a mind reader.
I am thankful for the relationships I have that are filled with honesty, repentance, confrontation and forgiveness. I have a few friends, and my husband, who are willing to hear the truth and speak the truth to me. We all mess up and say things we don’t mean or say things to be mean…either way, we all need to be forgiven and to forgive.
What is so difficult about having that conversation? Fear of rejection? Fear of anger? They really don’t care?
I guess it seems easier to just “cut-off” people from your life when they hurt you, but that just leads to a constant cycle of friends, hurt, destroyed relationships…it is not true intimacy or friendship. As Proverbs 27:6 says, “A wound from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.”
I’d rather be wounded by a friend anyday!
March 12, 2010
Tiger Woods
I was so sad to hear the news of Tiger Woods. He seemed to have it all…beautiful wife, awesome children. What lurked beneath the surface was addiction waiting for the right trigger to go to the next level. Very few, if anyone, could handle the amount of fame and fortune he amassed. As a student of sexual addiction, and being married to a recovering sex addict, I know first hand that it does not just happen overnight. It starts in childhood, and like any drug, once exposed to the thrill and the high, it takes more and more to achieve the same results. Tiger finally had the resources to fully act out his addiction. Does this take away his personal responsibility? Absolutely not. But left untreated sex addiction is like any other addiction, it escalates.
Here is a great analogy my husband came up with to explain what trying to quit is like: It’s like riding on a train, you buy a ticket, you get on the train, riding in the car watching the passengers is interesting for awhile…then you turn your attention out the window and the countryside or cityscape is fascinating…then you’re bored so you walk up to the front of the train and see how fast you are going and what’s coming up ahead..then that’s not enough so you climb outside the train and crawl up on top…wow, exhilarating…then you throw your arms up in the air and scream at the top of your lungs, “OK, I’m done, God, please stop me!” Recovery is taking back each step to the day when you can resist the thought of even buying the ticket…knowing it’s just a trip to death and destruction.
There are physiological changes that a sex addict goes through during acting out that are as powerful as shooting heroin. But getting sober and changing your life all starts with a choice. Choose to get help, you cant do it alone, share your past, thoughts, fears and anger. Trust God to help you and when you are tempted turn your focus to the one who will give you the power to overcome temptation. “When you feel overwhelmed and tempted beyond what you think you can bear..God always provides a way out.”
Tiger entered a sexual addiction rehab and my prayer is that he continues recovery and finds a relationship with God in the process. I don’t know if Elin can find the strength to forgive him and restore their marriage, or if she should. Of course, she will need to forgive him whether the marriage is restored or not. Forgiveness is for you, not the other person. But, I believe sexual sin, adultery, is one of the reasons allowed for divorce by God because He knows the emotional consequences that are sometimes too much to bear or fix. However, I also know many great marriages that were not only saved, but better than they ever were after going through the recovery process together and becoming vulnerable and open with each other.
February 17, 2010
I am what I think
The Bible says “be transformed by the renewing of your mind”…what does that really mean? To renew my mind means to change the way I think, to get new information, to learn a new concept or idea. My thoughts affect my actions and reinforce my beliefs. If I think and believe “I am lovable,” my daily actions will reflect that. If I believe I am lovable, and therefore, I am loved, I can live my life in response to that truth and not trying to prove it. It means I don’t have to change others, or my circumstances, or have all the answers. If I am loved by the God of the Universe, and HE has everything under control, what do I have to worry about? If I rest and trust in His love, I will make better choices for myself, my husband, my children, and my friends. If I base my worthiness on HIS love, the unchanging, all knowing, all powerful God, I never need to fear, or wonder if I am loved, He will never leave me or abandon me. People in my life will at times let me down, and I will let them down too. By living in and relying on Gods grace and power I can be a more loving and thoughtful wife, mother, and friend. He must be the source of my love and worth…not people. You will believe about yourself what the most important person in your life believes about you…so make the most important person in your life Jesus Christ.
February 14, 2010
Welcome!
Welcome to my blog! I will be posting my insights to counseling and relationship issues…and stuff about my personal journey too!
February 3, 2010
Hello world!
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