March 19, 2010
Gossip
Have you ever been hurt by someone and instead of telling them directly, told someone else? Have you ever been lied to and manipulated by someone and then tried to warn someone else who may get involved with them? Is talking about someone else or any situation always gossip? I admit I have been guilty of both of the previous scenarios…but if someone has ever come to me and said, “I heard you said this about me,” if I did, I have immediately owned it and made amends. Sometimes that has meant admitting how they hurt me and owning the fact that I could have come to them directly. My closest friends today are people who I have had to confront or have confronted me, and thankfully the “truth set us free”. In these situations, there won’t always be reconciliation, but hopefully, forgiveness. Sometimes what was said by another person is a miscommunication or distortion of the truth, or their perception of what was being said…just like the old “telephone” game! I have also had to be careful that by validating someone else’s feelings or perceptions that they then assumed I was agreeing with them or gossiping also.
I do not delight in talking about other people, or just want to “spread the news” so to speak, but I have gotten caught up in talking about how someone has hurt me. Most of the time I can go and tell them directly, but when they have lied to, or manipulated me, I guess I have thought,”what’s the point?” That is wrong. I could be wrong about their motives, or the reality of a situation. As the saying goes, “there are two sides to every story, and somewhere in the middle lies the truth.”
Proverbs 17:9
He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends
I think we all need close friends who we can process our “stuff” with and come to a resolution, pointing them toward repentance and forgiveness. If someone talks about a tough situation in a relationship, we can say, “Have you talked to that person directly?” Matthew 18 says If your brother sins against you,[a] go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’[b] 17If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
Deuteronomy 13:12-15 (How to handle gossip you hear)
If you hear it said about one of the towns the LORD your God is giving you to live in that wicked men have arisen among you and have led the people of their town astray, saying, “Let us go and worship other gods” (gods you have not known), then you must inquire, probe and investigate it thoroughly.
I know so many people who go straight to the church or just telling other people, when they haven’t ever told the person who hurt them. If someone tells you that someone else gossiped about you, what do you do? Do you go ask the person if they said it? Do you just believe the person who told you and never speak to the “gossiper” again? Is the person who spread the gossip at fault?
I can only share what I have experienced, and at times in my own journey I have made all the wrong choices. That is why working a 4th step is so valuable to look back and examine our own behavior…it doesn’t guarantee the other party will forgive you when you make amends, or ask forgiveness when you confront them with a hurt. But Jesus asks us to do our part, with a willing heart. I am sure that His goal is to heal relationships, as in Matthew when it says that “if he listens to you, you have won your brother over.”
But in our world of self protection, and “safe people,” I think we can easily dismiss that possibility, we deny our fear of confrontation by telling ourselves “that person is unsafe to talk to about it.” Obviously, if someone does not repent or show any remorse, then it is wise to have boundaries…but don’t use them as an excuse not to deal with a situation or mend a relationship.
